Empty

I couldn’t think of anything right now. I can’t get to sleep. I couldn’t draw. I still haven’t really caught up to what happened. I am still lost. I am still wondering. I am still struggling to find out what really went wrong…

I should have fight for it. Instead of taking a careful stance. I should have stick to the same answer that I used always. I wonder. Why did I even bother to be honest? And in the end I am not allowed a chance of explanation. Everything becomes cold. I don’t know the proper words to reply. I don’t know what to do.

It seems like I am really a terrible person. That is why I couldn’t keep anyone near me. I should not express my thoughts.. I should just go with the flow. I should just shut up too. I should not do anything else. I should disappear.

I am such a fool. I thought finally, I found someone to talk to. Finally, someone who I can tell my deep dark secrets to. Someone whom may probably understand me.

I am the biggest fool ever. Why did I… Don’t know anymore either. I need to do my work. I need to head out to take photos, I need to do something… But I really can’t move now.

i cant believe

that i am here again. it seems like this place becomes a random dumping ground for me. things are terrible. i need to get it out of myself. i thought i was getting better until i lashed it out at someone. i know i am at fault. but i don’t feel any guilt. nothing at all. i just remember being angry and angry and so angry. till i shook. its rare for me to get this angry. really rare. i guess i snapped.

everytime, i will feel guilty for being angry. but this time? nothing at all. i am surprised actually. but its not like this person has a fantastic attitude. well, i know i dont have a fantastic attitude either but i dont just lash it out randomly. he, just happens to be the detonator.

i am really stressed and strained. with everything. form school work, to personal work, to expectations, to school friends, and even during gaming, i feel stressed out.

i kept quiet, i decided to push it down and just have fun gaming. i was getting better. in fact, i felt better after gaming a few rounds. but just then, that person shot me and put me down. and that’s when i snapped.

maybe in others eyes, i was too sensitive. but hello, do u like it when someone constantly puts you down over everything? no right?

i dont care whatever shit he has faced during army or so. i dont owe him anything. he need not throw this shit in my face.

i am brought up in the way that, to never ever throw temper on others for they owe you nothing. i swear by this rule. and yet he kept doing it. i know, he has become twisted. i know his problems, thus each time i held back in and laugh off. even when he stab in right in my face, i held on. i know, he is upset. and as a friend, i should draw my line and just cheer him up.

but what about me? when i am upset and stressed out, i still have to face his temper? i don’t owe him anything! what right does he have to throw shit on my face. and when i flare up, he blames me? fantastic. he says that i count on other people’s bad points. hello, u did so too. u said right to me i am an incorrigible person. you throw lots of temper on me too. to think we are friends for so many years. if he cant handle me at my worst, why should i handle him at his worst? and then his friend asked me to forgive him.

 

you know what. i am perhaps the most pathetic person. i already forgave him right at the start. i lost, right from the start. i know, i am wrong for lashing it out. he has his faults too. the only thing that is holding me now is the fact that i dont feel guilt. i dont feel that i did something wrong. i said FUCK YOU. fantastic. i am sure its his first time hearing it from me.

this is also a reason why i dot like interacting with others. when the people around me left me one by one. when i am only needed when they need me. when i am just ignored. when my words often get cut into. when people just throw shit right at my face. when no one hears me out when i was actually depressed. in fact they shrug it off. when people just cant accept that i am upset. when people assume i am upset for like 90% of the time. which i am not. when i just realized i was so easily replaced.

isn’t it better to actually be alone?

I feel so drowned in my sorrows that I wish I will never get out of it. It feels so comfortable being drown in it and constantly lamenting over my misfortunes. But I know I need to wake up and get out of it. This is not the way to live, this is not life.

Life is about getting over things. I have been taught to keep on running no matter what happens. To keep on moving on with life.

But, just let me rest this time round and drown myself in sorrow. I promise to get back soon. I just need a break.

To do list (again.)

A proper life update shall come soon. i shall throw this in first and then pop to bed

To Do List :
- Comic Assignment : transfer final to bristol paper (in pencil)
- Character animation bouncing ball
- character animation character jump plannings
- Figure and animals 10 page motion sketch
- review on 3D animation
- rearrange notes on image synthesis

*try to get half a portfolio piece done

okay, that is all. time to sleep!

somehow, alive

its more than a month since i last updated here. perhaps, being lazy has taken over me. or its just that i don’t feel the attachment to this place. not that much attachment than my livejournal i guess as i kept updating there. but the thing is, i did not update about my normal life or what i do there, its more of the emotional stuffs. if you get what i mean.

school has started again. time flies, it feels like its just the beginning of the holidays.

new lessons, new teachers and new stress levels. the expectations for this semester is so much more higher right now. take for example, portfolio. instead of 15 pieces, this time we need to submit 20 pieces. and only 10 can be from school work. which means, 10 personal works. it sounds little but work load is really heavy that 10 seems like a 100 instead. whats more, i want to submit good works instead of those which i churn out last minute, like the previous semesters. i want to submit works that show that i make a breakthrough in skills. not just works that look fancy.

also i would want to submit works that have more impact and meaning than it being just a pretty picture.

so far, one week of school has passed. the schedule i got this time is not so bad. i don’t have any ridiculously long breaks, i get to wake up later than the usual 8am (except for one day). its getting cooler despite Singapore is a really hot and humid country, but this time of the year, it will cool down due to the rain. which means, its time to get out my jacket, long sleeves, turtle neck, pants, leggings and proper shoes. i am someone who gets cold very easily thus i better prepare more. i nearly freeze in the first week of school. (+i don’t want my feet to get wet due to the rain, so its proper shoes or boots )

now i am thinking what to wear for Monday’s lesson (which is tomorrow, if you ignore the fact that now its over 12.)

other than that, i need to draw more as i feel that my skills are getting rusty. also, i have not decided what i want to aim for in life. this is really stressing, its almost the end of the year, and i told myself at the start of this year is that i should find my purpose in life. oh god.

oh and i need lots of vitamin C. everyone is falling sick lately as well, its pretty common in this time of the year. i have fallen ill too, but i am all better. + i didn’t fall ill that badly, so things are really okay.

i am gonna give the hongkong trip a miss. well there are many reasons advising me to give the trip a miss. though its a great opportunity, but its okay. next time, i will try my luck again. its not like i will never have a chance anymore.

 

and why are there so many sales in Singapore these days T___T ihasnomoneynow.

sometimes..

i believe i can write a proper post a few days later. not now, when i try to, yet i am too tired to.

ill right now.

Apologies

i am sorry for being missing. my project is over (gosh, i am so busy that i forget completely about online life.) and then its finally holidays. i spent my first week resting and playing, i am too sick of 3D modeling and drawing. i need a break.

i am back to reading Frankenstein again. and i wonder when would i ever finish that book.

I have been playing Dragon Nest too. okay, correction, gaming A LOT on it.

i wrote about 2 new entries for my live journal. as they are rather personal thus well, they stay in my livejournal. i have “friends only” it.

my mind is pretty empty now. i dont know what to write about as nothing exciting happen. one thing for sure is that i will be going to china (Beijing to be specific) for a 5D4N holiday. its a tour group thus i will be there doing tourist stuff. i dont travel often but my friends often tell me not to go for tour groups as it will be boring. but then again, it will not be too bad. i dont mind going there to know more about their culture and history. this might even help me in terms of getting inspirations for drawing or story making

so yeap. i guess that is all.

i shall blog again soon. i guess i will be spending this holiday resting, learning new things and practicing more of my skills in art. oh yes, and work on 1 to 2 portfolio piece too so that i wont be rushing for my portfolio too badly for the next semester. another thing to look forward to is the trip to Hong Kong during december. everything is not confirmed yet but i do hope i can go. Due to there will be a big event called Siggraph, and i heard from my friends who been to the one in vancouver said that the whole thing is just awesome. so i do hope i can go for it!

i am alive,

but with higher stress levels.

school has started again. with our 3 weeks project. i thought it would be a solo project but it turns out to be a group project. to make things worse, the difficulty is so much more higher now. we are to form in groups of 3 to work on a short film. its not exactly animated, more like its just images after images, showing the main points of an action/scene. it does sound easier as we only need to put the characters into poses and not animate them. however, the hell is that, we need to work everything from 2D into 3D.

the 2 D work is mostly concept, story, storyboard, and eventually combining all of these into an animatic. (to test out roughly how the final product should be)

and after that, we need to transfer them into 3D. which means, modeling of characters, texturing them, setting up the environment, lighting, rigging the characters, putting them into poses, rendering them out before finally composting them together in a video editing program.

to make things worse, i am not strong at 3D at all. in fact i am very slow in terms of 3D, my brain functions extra slowly as i need to think constantly on how things works. this is where i feel utterly useless as i am the main modeler in my team. and yet i am modeling so slowly compared to the other teams. its kinda my fault that my team is lagging behind due to my slow modeling. but i am trying my best to be faster. currently, it will be the start of the second week and i am gonna get my modeling done so that my friends could start texturing and rigging them.

and yes, we almost finish the 2D stuffs within 3 days (its hell) and spend the rest of the days working on some other extra stuffs and of course, 3D modeling. i am glad that my friend is helping me with the environment modeling. she is pretty fast and awesome with it. another friend of mine is helping me to model 2 polar bears, they are really adorable and i can see she puts a lot of effort into making them really round and cute.

oh, the theme that we are asked to do is on ecology. we chose global warming. i do hope i can show you guys the video when we are done. (if we are allowed to.)

 

other than work, i went for STGCC (singapore toy, game, comics covention) recently. despite there is a 10 bucks ticket fee but i am really happy with the whole event. half the time i was utterly jaw dropping at almost every single thing! its so huge (despite singapore is small) and i had fun despite i did not buy anything. (i got some freebies though. 1 captain america poster and 2 shirts from my friend!) also its my first time going for a convention in singapore, thus i was amazed by the number of people around. i love checking out the different artist who set up booths. they are really really awesome.

but i learn one thing from my experience is to wear comfortable shoes, and high ones if possible. i feel so short during the event due to cosplayers are wearing platforms and blocking my view! (not only them, there are lots of tall foreigners. though i am tall for an asian but still.. not very tall.) i did not attend the stage stuff despite Kishida Mel (artist for the atelier series!) is there. his art is really amazing and i recommend people who love anime art to check out his. they are really godly.

i cant wait for next year’s event again. i doubt i will buy anything but i sure do enjoy being in places that is art related. (i am really touched by the number of Singaporeans who attended the convention. this shows that our media industry is getting recognition and growing even more!)

 

so yea thats it for this post. a pretty long one.

other things will be that i have finally finished reading Sherlock Holmes, now i am reading Frankenstein.  also i have recently upgraded my dying bamboo tablet into the awesome new intuos 4.

*dances back to maya modeling*

End of race, for 2 days.

I managed to clear everything from my previous to do list. really, i cleared them, and till now, i wonder really hard on how i ever did it. What i recall is breaking out in cold sweat and managing to submit my portfolio 10 minutes before the due time. it was a scary experience. i swear, i dont ever want to go through that again. it feels horrible, rushing to burn my files into a disc, rushing to get my bus and lastly rushing all the way up to the fifth floor, ignoring stares and finally, placing the disc into the submission box. i call this, the life of an art student. the constant rushing and more rushing. time is never enough for us.

but at least, i have 2 days of break. since friday was the last day for all submission, i cleared everything on that day. then saturday (yesterday) and sunday (today) is my break day. it felt so good to sleep properly, so good that i dont wanna get up. its been weeks since i had proper rest, so i try not to force myself to do anything that is work base during this 2 days. i really, need a break.

i wanted to send a mail to my blog buddies, saying hi and also apologizing for my absence. the thing is that, sometimes i wander to my blog, i will do a quick update on what i need to do, then i will check out my blog buddies blogs (its only 3, so its pretty easy) but i am not the kind who will drop a comment. not that i am a mean or rude person but sometimes i got really shy (is that the word?) to drop a word. the constant feeling of being a nuisance instead will always haunt me. okay, i guess this part of me is really weird. oh, and, my mail is down. thus i have not send a mail out for ages. i cant use my school e-mail either. so i am stuck.

Well, after today, it shall be the start of my 3 weeks project again (known as studio project). and this time, its a group project. i will be working with 2 of my classmates (i have never work with them before but we are from the same class thus we roughly know each other well ). hope this project is something to look forward to instead of something to dread about. also, the theme this time is ecology. like global warming and stuffs like that, so i will probably be pretty green during the 3 weeks! haha!

so i guess thats about it. finally, a post that is more life based compared to work.

recently, i really wanted foo midori’s book of pictures. its such a pretty book, i just have to get it. but its sold out in Singapore, guess i have to wait for stocks to come in..

also i am still stuck reading sherlock holmes. its not an easy book to read (for me at least) thus i am slow on it. but i am almost finishing it!

Last Run

• 3D maya clothes modeling
• story full package assignment
• story illustration project
• sketchbook assignment for drawing : 11/11 pages
• visual development project
• portfolio : 15/15

its almost to the end of the semester. my updates got lesser and more work based due to school is really grinding. i dont hate it, in fact i like what i am learning but still, i have to admit its really grinding. so grinding that i got so sleepy every now and then. i am suffering from the lack of sleep which cause my emotions to go haywire. i got scolded by my parents (much milder as they scolded me due to they are really worried about me + i am at fault.), due to i kept falling asleep before i bathe. i know its not very hygienic but when one is really tired, nothing else really matter other than getting some sleep.

well, by tomorrow, hopefully i can get 2 of my projects down, and then its only left with my story assignment and portfolio.
good luck to me. also here is something that its more normal : just finished reading Haruki Murakami’s Norwegian Wood.